I know I have not been writing much the last few days. I am entirely too cranky to be blogging right now. I am just not that much fun to be around at the moment... I really am a believer in only speaking positive, and since I haven't had all that much "gusto" in me- it has been really hard to hold back the negative reality I am living right now.
SO, here goes...
I am REAAAAALLy just done and over it. LIKE DONE DONE> LIKE MORE DONE than all the other "dones" I have written or spoken in the last month. REALLY done with the false alarms, fat fingers and toes that I can't feel, throwing up in my mouth, agonizing back/sciatic pain, contractions that keep getting stronger and stronger but remain quite irregular (2 hours of 3 minutes apart last night), and inability to sleep. I did not sleep last night, not one hour, not one minute. I haven't slept a full night since Saturday night. I went to lay down early tonight, because I am tired, oh yes! but- tossed and turned again, had a sweeping wave of nausea come over me, and threw up in my mouth a little- had a lighning bolt of pain shoot straight down my leg and up my back- so here I am, on the computer again at 11:40pm... Irriatable, to say the least, and really just want to CRY.
I feel like I am at my wits end and can't see how I am going to make it one more week before my Doc says we can induce. I feel that I am about to go a little nutso. Those of you who have been pregnant, can commiserate. Or maybe you are one of those who just loooove being pregnant, and it is soooooo easy for you- GOD BLESS YOU! I wish I were. I prayed that I would be this time. I am just not. I actually hate it, loathe it, and want my body back.
There, I said it.
Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE what it produces. I do NOT loathe, or hate my children. They are the joy of my life in this season.
A sweet story to balance the complaining:
Vivia, at 3:30 in the morning last night- in the dark, comes plowing through the bedroom door over to my side of the bed (of course right as I about dozed off...) -she's never done this before- and says "I sweep (sleep) well." This is what she says to me in the mornings when I go in her room to get her out of bed for the day. And then she says... "Hugs and cuddles, pwease, mama."
How can you send that back to it's own bed, I ask???? Anatomically impossible... She climbed in bed with Papi and me, and looks at me and does the little "I love you" sign and says it " I wub you, too". She says this whether she is the initiator of the "I love you" or not...
NOW THAT is worth all these nights of sleeplessness, misery, and discomfort. I would have a half dozen if I didn't have to carry them all, and if I hadnt waited so long to start having them in the first place. I wouldn't change any of it for the world, however. I asked God for twins. Two for the price of one. I guess he knows I couldn't have handled it...
... OK- update, I spent some time in God's presence: and it is SOOO amazing how quickly singing a song of praise can lift the cloud of heaviness! I feel better instantly. Here is the song I couldn't help but cry as I sang- and the lyrics posted below...
(Hosea 6) Brooke Fraser 2007
I have decided I have resolved
To wait upon you Lord
My rock and redeemer shall not be moved
I'll wait upon you Lord
As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears
You'll come let your glory fall
As you respond to us
Spirit reign flood our hearts
With holy fire again
We are not shaken we are not moved
We wait upon you Lord
Our Mighty deliverer my triumph and truth
I'll wait upon you Lord
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed