Friday, September 19, 2008

Three short days...

In three short days, alot can change. In three short days, our entire existence will change. In three short days we are about to have something occur, that in a few years, we will have a hard time remembering what life was like before "it" happened.

We will no longer be a family of three- we will be a family of four. (And baby makes four). I will go from having a daughter, to having a daughter and a son. Gabe will have a boy to raise up to be a man. Vivia will go from being an only child, to being a big sister. Enter in: trucks, and bugs, and trains, and sports. Things I know not much about. There will be things only his father can teach him.

I am excited and sad all at the same time. Only sad because the last 2 1/2 years of being with Vivia and watching her grow, and experiencing life with her, and being that family of three- is going to go away forever. Now she will have to share us. Share our attention, and our love, and our time, and our devotion- everything.

I think I feel deeply for her, because she and I have so much in common. I am the first born daughter to my parents. I had a "baby brother" come along right around the same time as well, and, it's wierd, it's like I remember what it was like to -all of a sudden- have to share my parents. And I remember not liking it. And I remember feeling the loss of time spent with them, and loss of attention. I could care less about gaining a brother. I saw him as an alien who intruded on the good thing we had going there. And it meant I didn't have my mom and dad to myself anymore. Something I had to compete with and to blame for my unhappiness. It had to be his fault...

I hope that she really embraces him as hers. Not that Mami and Papi had a baby: but that WE had a baby.
She may not remember any of this. Only through the thousands of photos we have taken of the times we have had together as a family of three. She will always have that experience that none of the other children will be able to claim. She got to have us all to herself for a season. None of the rest of them will be able to claim that. That makes her still, so special. I know she is special in so many other ways- but that is at least one thing that will remain hers and nobody can take that away- for ever.

I know so many people grapple with the thought of "How will I have enough love for this one, seeing as I love that one so much?" I really don't too much. I know I have more than enough love to go around and then some... We were made in God's image, and if he can love the billions and billions of people that have walked this earth since the beginning of time, then love must be an organic thing that has the ability to ever-expand. So, I believe that I will be able to expand and expand to love however many we end up with.

Dear Vivia Victoria, it has been a priveledge and an honor to share the last few years with you alone. I can't believe God trusts me so much as to have given you to us to raise up, to become all he has designed you to be. I am sorry for the times I have let you down, where I have been less than perfect, where I have caused you to see God in the wrong way because of my misactions, but, thank God, I know that I am only a partner in this job of raising you, with Him and your Papi.
The times we have spent together, I would not sell for millions of dollars. I would not have done anything differently. I love you, you will always be my firstborn, therefore holding a very special place in my heart that only belongs to you. Don't worry, no one will take that away. You are so special- and when I think about the little glimpse that God has given us of the plans he has for you, I am overwhelmed, and humbled.
I pray that you and Rio become the best of friends. Allies and partners. Building wonderful memories that you will remember for your whole lifetime.
He is not someone you have to compete with. He is someone you can build an alliance with. Someone you will always be able to count on, confide in, share childhood experiences with.

Three days.

I'd like to introduce you to my family:
Gabriel, Freedom, Vivia, and Chaim

We are a family of four.


HipHome said...

I cried and cried the day before I went to have Ezra. I remember saying to Mike that I felt so bad for Canaan that he wouldn't have all of our attention anymore and that our time would be divided. I was sad at the "end of an era" of just Mike, Canaan and I.
Of course it is wonderful having Ezra in our lives though!
I totally know what you are going through and the emotions you are feeling.

andBABYmakesFOUR said...

Maybe that means he is coming tomorrow!!! YESSSSSSS! :)